Saturday, 31 January 2015

Perception, reflection, resolution

It's been a while!  It's been a long while indeed.  I'd like to report that I've been busy living an exciting life but that would be a big fat fib.  It's been a bit of a roller coaster of sadness and emptiness to be honest but new years bring new resolutions.  In some cases, i.e., mine, those resolutions may take some time to filter through so here I am on the brink of February, taking stock, trying to make sense of my world, getting ready.  Getting ready for what I am not quite sure but change, as they say, it is a coming.

It's funny how our perceptions of ourselves can be so different to those of others.  I was recently told that I am a very talkative person.  That struck me as funny since I think I keep most of my talk in my head, not letting it out of my mouth.  It seems I am wrong.  The talking escapes but mostly as a manifestation of my own shyness I think.

The past couple of years have been full of reflection.  Some very sad things have happened to those close to me.  Some happy things have happened too.  I seem to have floated around it all, reflecting on what it all means, always wanting to take make things better but never really feeling part of the happenings.  I don't want to live the rest of my life in this out of body state.

So, to resolutions.  I've made some, I need to make more but my first is to live.  Properly, for myself, not just for others.  To find the joy and be part of it.  This I have to do by myself, for myself.  My recent appraisal at work has given me plenty to reflect on, not least that my eagerness to get things done, to resolve issues can be a negative trait.  This came as quite a revelation to me so at the grand old age of 51 it's time to take stock, re-evaluate and move forward.

Coming back to blogger world is a small step.

Learning to bake bread properly is another step.

My life is not like a box of chocolates, it's more like a loaf of bread, it rises, it has its knock backs, it has resting phases and needs a nice crusty outer layer with some warm softness inside.  

Oh, and plenty of butter.

And maybe some jam.

It feels good to be back.